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Wonderland

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PostSubject: Writing Critique   7/1/2009, 03:05

Writing Critique


This thread is for critique on any written work. The rules are simple. You can enter your work that you wished to be commented on. Those who are commenting and can explain what they did or didn't like. The main purpose though is to give criticism. Criticism...not bashing. You tell the person what they can do to make their story better. You can give your opinion on what would make the work more interesting. The second point is honesty. The truth sometimes hurts, but that is what makes work better.

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SaraboBara

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PostSubject: Re: Writing Critique   7/1/2009, 16:01

This is a short story I wrote..tell me what you think please!

Jane Taylor. She was a quiet girl who never had many friends. She walked to school alone, she played at recess alone, and she ate lunch alone. However, Jane didn't really mind. Not anymore, that is. You see, Jane had made a new friend. This is how it happened.

"Ouch, Jimmy!"
"You deserved it, poop head!"
"Mom! Jimmy bit me!"
"Don't make me come in there Jimmy!"
Jimmy looked at Jane and pouted. "You always win," he said.
"Well yeah, you can't win untill your ten years old. Your only seven. Don't worry though, only a few more years," Jane teased. She stood and walked up stairs to her bedroom. She looked around at the dull, white walls. She didn't have fancy clothes or toys, but she still felt happy.

After dinner, Jane came back upstairs to her room. She sat on her bed and began to brush her doll's golden blonde hair.
"You look very stunning today Sally," she said to the doll.
"Why Steve broke up with you is beyond me." She looked over to her male doll, exiled in the corner.
She continued playing with her dolls untill her mom yelled from the hall, "Jane, time for bed!"

Late that night, Jane was sound asleep. The only noise to be heard was the clock ticking away. "Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock, Tick.....CRASH!"
Jane jumped out of bed, still tired and dissoriented. She ran to the window, but she couldn't see anything because of the smoke. Then, there was a bright green light. Jane threw herself out of her window onto the rooftop. She then grabbed onto the tree branch and swung herself onto the ground. This made her giggle, she felt like a ninja. Jane quickly made her way to the source of the green light, which was a large crater in the ground. She peered down into the crater, but saw nothing. Then, from behind her, came a light clicking noise, similar to the sound dolphins make, followed by a purr. Jane quickly looked around.
"Awww! Look at you!"


thats the end...for now Wink lol
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Wonderland

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PostSubject: Re: Writing Critique   7/1/2009, 18:10

Well, it depends on what you are looking for. There is a lot of improvement that can be made. In the first paragraph alone I would make it more detailed and use a broader list of words. Perhaps and introductory sentence that is just about the subject alone. And I would get rid of the "this is how it happened. The audience will already know that is what you are going to explain so it is not needed.

When you first use dialogue, it is important to add who it was said by and what they were doing so that that the reader's understand what you are picturing.

"Ouch Jimmy!" Jane yelped as she received a bite to the arm from her friend Jimmy. (Then explain why she received the bite before moving on to the next spoken set of words.)

...explanation...

"Well you deserved it!" he retorted with a look of satisfaction. (Include what they are feeling, what their expressions are. Are they upset, happy, mad? Explain what the characters look like and everything. It helps focus the reader.)

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SaraboBara

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PostSubject: Re: Writing Critique   7/2/2009, 10:30

Ok, I'll remember that! Thank you!
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PostSubject: Re: Writing Critique   7/2/2009, 13:30

Your welcome. :3

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Thirteen

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PostSubject: Re: Writing Critique   7/4/2009, 07:30

Mmmh. A story i've written. It's called "Dreaming of Lies."



The alarm clock screamed loudly into my ears as I lie on my bed, my eyes wide open staring at the white stucco wall in front of me. The dream. Once again. I sigh, and kick the
cheap, fleece blanket onto the floor and jump onto the burgundy carpet and stare out of my window. My eyes drift slowly left, and see the small misshapen television in the middle of the dim, trashy trailer I call home. I look down and see the alarm clock still screaming its head off. I quickly strike it with my hand, and it shuts off with a harsh yelp. I turn back to the frostbitten window and my heart suddenly stops cold. There in the window was the girl. Except this time…

She’s real.








Chapter 1: The Sighting





You’d think she was an illusion of some sort the way she stood there. Motionless. Unmoving. Staring right at me. I was completely paralyzed that if I’d move an inch of a muscle she’d die or something. "You alright there, bud?" A familiar voice spoke, laying an icy hand on my shoulder. "Huh?" I quickly swivivled around, only to see nothingness stand before me....

that's it for right now. xD
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